Pre / Post Lockdown Lowdown

It’s literally been two years since I’ve written anything on my blog! but the stats say you’re still visiting and signing up, so thank you for sticking around.

This is the place I normally come to speak my mind; put my feelings into words and lay myself bare; hoping I help someone in the process. But it’s been so hard for me to write when I felt like I lost my joy.

Twenty Nineteen was a pretty rough year for my family and I.

I needed and subsequently had a major operation to remove fibroids (up coming post); found out I was diabetic; and suffered a bout of Bell’s Palsy. I was in the process of recovering, when I had the devastating news one of my older brothers Paul, had died.

Paul, took great joy in winding up his siblings and having a good laugh. He had a huge heart; he was very mischievous and very caring; he wasn’t always the easiest person to get on with, but he always called and kept in touch. My big brother knew how to keep his family together. He is greatly missed. Still, I could go on and on and there would be more to say.

He was such an awesome person.

I really needed time to recover; grieve and pretty much get my shit together; and I hoped 2020 would be the year of new beginnings…

OMG! Was I wrong!

This year started with a bang, and not the good kind.

I found out that we had lost another dear brother at the beginning of the year Edwin (aka Tommy) ever since I was a little girl, as far back as I can remember, Tommy was always by my side.

He taught me how to spell my name; the ABC’s and to read the time. And, he did all of this even though he was blind. Tommy interpreted the world differently, in the sense that he never allowed his disability to hinder him. He was always studying and travelling making friends as easily as breathing. I can hear is laugher now, roaring throughout the family house. He was truly an inspirational person, and will forever be in my heart.

Losing another brother when I hadn’t grieved properly for the first, was devastating! The mental and emotional wreckage on my system, both physically and emotionally, is extremely hard to put into words.

It’s still a passage I am navigating, and will be for a while to come.

The world had been chaotic this year! We are dealing with both the COVID19 and the RACIAL pandemics, the latter has been going on for eons. We are all feeling the effect of losing loved ones: whether through illness, by the hands of the police, violence or gang related issues.

It’s like what the actual fuck!

This year has truly been a lesson; and I really hope we are learning.

I have cursed and sworn more in the past two years than I care to remember. But, I have also prayed. I’ve prayed for peace, for healing and for love.

So much has happened.

I’ve learnt that you can’t give-up; you really have to just push through and carry on. I have learnt that no matter what you are going through, there is always someone in a worse situation. So I am grateful. I’m grateful for my life. The life of my family and friends. Grateful I’m still in this harsh yet beautiful world. Grateful that even though life might not be perfect we can still smile, laugh and enjoy the beauty of the mundane.

I have all but given up on a lot of things in my life, and I’m literally having to claw my way back – I’m a work in progress…
Taking each day, one step at a time; trying to live my best life; even though I’m still trying to figure out what that is.

Until next time

Alvareen x


  1. marlenelex
    28/07/2020 / 4:12 am

    It will get better just keep the faith ?

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